How do I keep technology from getting between me and my partner?
Technology gets between couples slowly, one glance at a phone at a time. The answer is not going offline, it is being deliberate. Protect a few device-free moments daily, notice when you reach for a screen to avoid each other, and treat your partner's bid for attention as outranking a notification.
Why phones can get in the way
A quick glance at your phone can turn into several minutes of scrolling without you realizing it, even when your partner is sitting beside you wanting your attention.
Researchers use the term "phubbing" to describe paying attention to a phone instead of the person you're with. When this happens repeatedly, a partner may feel ignored or disconnected, even when that wasn't your intention.
People reach for their phones for different reasons, including habit, stress, work, or entertainment. Rather than assuming someone doesn't care, it helps to recognize when phone use is interrupting your time together.
What can help
- Set aside time together. Agree on a few moments to put phones away, such as during meals or before bed.
- Reduce distractions. Silence unnecessary notifications or place devices somewhere less distracting when you're spending time together.
- Pay attention to each other. When your partner starts a conversation or reaches out, try to acknowledge them and give them your attention.
- Talk about your needs. Share when phone use makes you feel disconnected and listen to your partner's perspective.
- Be flexible. Some phone use is necessary for work, caregiving, or accessibility. Find arrangements that respect both partners' needs.
A way to start the conversation
"I've noticed we spend a lot of our evenings on our phones, and I miss having time together without distractions. Could we try putting them aside for a little while after dinner and see how it goes?"
When to seek additional support
If phone use continues to create tension in your relationship, consider whether you have different expectations about communication, attention, or personal time.
A qualified relationship professional may help you discuss those differences and work toward shared expectations.
The goal isn't to eliminate technology from your relationship. It's to make sure you both have opportunities to feel connected.
Sources
- What Is Your Phone Doing to Your Relationships?, Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley
- Phone Addiction: Warning Signs and How to Get Help, HelpGuide.org
- The Science of Love (Episode 2), Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley